matrimonial issues of the forced variety
by Nanaho-Hime
Summary: So she's married...to Lorcan Scamander. Like, permanently. She doesn't really get it either. Lucy Lorcan for never-ending nights with you.


matrimonial issues of the forced variety

by Nanaho-Hime

Disclaimer: I own nothing

For never-ending nights with you. A very very belated birthday present, but it's multi-chaptered so I hope it makes up for it! HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY

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She wakes up in a foreign bed, with an arm slung around her waist, a pounding headache and a buzzing in her ears. Even if she had not been a certifiable genius, a girl with the intellect of a cantaloupe could have figured out what was very wrong with this picture.

She lies there for a good ten minutes, trying very hard to keep the hyperventilating to a bare minimum. Lucy Weasley has never, ever done anything that could be considered beyond conventional. Oh sure she is an abrasive soul, she is cold and sarcastic and mean. She is the only girl on the Slytherin Quidditch Team, and she is the youngest of the Weasley brood but, really, those were the wildest traits that came to mind.

She takes a deep breath and lifts the covers. Her clothes are still on, so that is reason to hope. It takes her even longer to pluck up the courage to face her bed partner (she doesn't really know what to call the **him** pulling her close to his body).

Lucy shuts her eyes tight, and holds her breath, as though it will prevent her from being too shocked at the person beside her. She wriggles out from under his arm and faces him.

She promptly screams.

:-:

When he hears the high pitched scream, Lorcan Scamander promptly topples out of bed. His brown hair disheveled, his blue eyes out of focus, and his shirt very much off. He is not exactly the sharpest of people very early in the morning, and it takes him a minute to realize holy shit, Lucy Weasley is screaming in my bed.

**Lucy Weasley **was screaming in **his **bed.

There was a very real problem with that sentence and this image (and the very worst thing is that he's thrilled and he shouldn't be because she's repulsed by the very sight of him).

He doesn't know what to do about this very compromising situation, and Lucy's shrieking isn't helping. He jumps back into the bed and clamps his hand over Lucy's mouth. Her blue eyes are angry and scared, but her shrieking is muffled and the fuzziness clears a little. All he's left with is the pounding leftover of his hangover.

"Lucy," he urges as she mutters angrily into the palm of his hand, "Lucy you have got to calm down, you have got to—"

He stops abruptly and stares in pure horror at his left hand. Lucy pushes his hand away from her face and Lorcan cradles the hand, as though it's just been burned. His silence frightens Lucy.

"What?" she kicks the covers off of her legs, and crawls across the bed toward Lorcan. He doesn't respond and she's getting kind of impatient with his slow reflexes.

"What is it, Scamander?" she urges.

He looks up from his hand in his stupefied daze, as though he doesn't recognize her. She huffs in her frustration and grabs his hand. The matching gold rings gleam on their fourth fingers.

For the second time in the span of five minutes, Lucy Weasley screams.

:-:

"'.?" she's desperately pulling at the ring that seems to have permanently attached itself to her finger.

"Mine's not coming off either." Lorcan's voice is panicked and he's tugging at the ring as though his life depended on it.

Lucy groans and flops back on the bed. This is a complete and utter disaster. She is turning seventeen in two days, and she is already, apparently, married to the Wizarding World's greatest heart throb. If his fan girls didn't kill her, her parents would.

"Do you think we're really married?" he's staring at her from the other side of the large bed, his eyes wide and round, "Is this even legal?'

She knows he's referring to the fact that he's 19 and she's still 16 and very much underaged.

"I don't know," she whispers, pinching the bridge of her nose. Her hangover is not getting any better and she's not really in the mood for an obnoxious legal battle over her marital status, "It won't be illegal in two days, but we have to keep this on the down low."

"No offense, Lucy," Lorcan sighs, "But you're a Weasley and I'm the lead singer in an internationally acclaimed band. The paparazzi are lined up at my door every single day. They're definitely going to notice the ring."

Lucy groans, "What are we supposed to do, then?"

"We've got to see James," Lorcan rises and runs his hand through his hair. He mumbles to himself and rummages around his room for a clean shirt, "He's the one who spiked the drinks."

"I don't think James is going to be much help." she replies dubiously, "He was probably just as wasted as we were."

Lorcan triumphantly pulls out a black shirt from the pile at the foot of his bed, "I'm sure he had something to do with it. I mean, it's James."

Lucy concedes and stumbles off the bed. She takes a look at herself in the mirror hanging on Lorcan's door and winces at the sight of her bird's nest hair and rumpled clothes. Lorcan wriggles into his, she can't help but notice, tight black shirt, and offers her his arm for side apparation. She eyes him a little wearily and then gingerly takes his arm.

:-:

It takes a good deal of shouting and banging before James Potter finally throws open his door, grumbling obscenities. His hair is disheveled and he's in his underwear, and he looks as though he's never seen sunlight before.

He's equally articulate.

"Whaddayawan?" he grumbles, leaning heavily against the door frame. His eyes are out of focus and he looks as though he doesn't recognize who's at his door.

Simultaneously, Lucy and Lorcan hold up their left hands, the gold rings gleaming most ominously.

"Care to explain?" Lucy's voice is very threatening, but James is too far gone to register the acid in her tone.

He leans closer, his nose nearly pressed against Lucy's hand. He shifts his gaze to Lorcan and then back to Lucy, deeply affronted.

"Hey," he slurs, poking at Lucy's ring finger, "why wasn't I invited to the wedding?"

Lucy howls, and Lorcan has to hold her back to save James's hide.

"James," Lorcan speaks slowly, "James why can't we take the rings off?"

James's eyes narrow as he studies their hands before his eyes widen and realization dawns on his features, "Oh, shit."

Those were the last the words the newlyweds wanted to hear.

"What?" Lucy's near hysterics, "What?"

James straightens up, looking very very uncomfortable, "Well, I was planning a prank, right? You know how Fred and I have been on this prank war for years now. So I brought down this guy, Andrei he's a fan of the Cannons. His family is all schooled in the ways of shady potions and spells, and, well, there's this one spell/potion combination that, you know, permanently binds you in matrimony. And it was _supposed _to be Rosie and Scorpius, because, the look on Uncle Ron's face, priceless you know?"

James is rubbing his hands together earnestly, "And well, I guess there was a mix up and you guys got the potion, and the spell."

The silence was heavy, and when it was broken it was by Lucy, "So, so, what if we just pretend we were never married, or that the spell doesn't exist?"

"You think I'd be that stupid," James retorts and even Lorcan is ready to throw caution to the wind and pummel the idiot, "Of course there are repercussions, if you guys don't fall asleep in the same room every single day, then you both slowly lose body parts until you're nothing but heads."

The look of horror on Lucy's face is almost as priceless as what Uncle Ron's would have been.

"I will kill you, James Potter," Lucy pulls out her wand, her current expression frighteningly blank. James holds up both hands in surrender.

"Hold up, Luce," he slips behind his door, ready to complete jump out of the way should Lucy decide to go through with her threat, "If you don't consummate the relationship within the year, the spell is broken and the rings disappear, so it's not _totally_ permanent."

Lucy loses all of her composure; she's shrieking at her older cousin now, "OH THAT MAKES IT SO MUCH BETTER, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MAKE THIS WORK FOR A YEAR JAMES?"

Lorcan pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. He places a restraining hand on Lucy's shoulder, "Lucy, we're just going to have to go with it."

Lucy throws a glare over her shoulder, "Go with what? I'm going back to Hogwarts in two weeks. What are you going to do? Live with me in the Slytherin dorm? Am I going to move into your apartment? The apartment you share with the rest of your band? What are your fans going to say? What are my _parents _going to say?"

"We'll announce that we've eloped on your birthday next week," he rationalizes, running a hand through his hair and mumbling to himself, "I'll take an apartment in Hogsmeade and we'll share that. We will pretend that we are madly in love, and at the end of the year we will divorce on friendly terms that we were not ready for the commitments of marriage."

He's nodding to himself, and James grins mostly in relief, "That's a perfect idea Scamander, so I'll just be off."

James makes to close the door, but Lorcan stops it with his foot, "Hold on, James, you cannot tell anyone about this, absolutely no one."

James salutes, "Scouts honor, guitar boy." And before Lorcan or Lucy can react, he's closed the door, out of harm's way for the time being.

Lorcan covers his mouth with his hand, seemingly fascinated by the floor, "We'll tell the parents first, family members and close friends. Our story is that we've been secretly dating for the past year and that we're smitten with each other."

Lucy's groaning, her hands in her face and Lorcan feels sorry for this mess they're in, because she's young and lovely, and it must be awful because she's never really liked him. He puts an arm around her shoulders, "It' alright, it'll work out."

"James is an idiot," she wails.

He silently agrees, but he knows that there are bigger problems to tackle. His family will be ok with an elopement; they've always been unconventional enough. It is his manager who will blow an artery. Lorcan's image is extremely important and the fact that he is no longer single will break many a heart and seriously take away from his popularity.

That is, if he lived to see another day. He is pretty sure every male with the surname 'Weasley' will be out for his blood.

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A/N: Hope you liked it. Reviews would be majorly awesome.


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